I know so many of us are in this situation. However, I really need a moment to get this out of my system so that I can keep moving in the right direction and don’t let the negativity and hopelessness that I feel, swallow me up.  Feel free to skip this post. I’ll not blame you for doing so.

The only reliable “income” right now is the child support I get from my 2nd daughter’s father. I’m thankful that he’s been reliable for it over the years. However, I’m still having to chase down my oldest’s father for that now once a month check. Seriously..it’s annoying and puts just “that much more” strain on our already extremely tight budget. Total? If that 2nd check comes in, I’ll have acquired just over $600 for the month.

My husband and our room-mate have been laid off since before Christmas   They were given a “bonus” or “thanks for working for us” check at parting. This allowed us to pay rent for January. Now that we’re halfway through the month. No unemployment has come through, we didn’t qualify for assistance through the town, our state benefits have been suspended because of an error on their part, I’ve got 1 WIC check left to use, and there’s ONLY barely enough food to get us through until next week.

I literally flipped the hell out this morning when I realized that the tortillas I was saving for a different meal, had been opened by my oldest and used for her breakfast. There is no more yeast to make bread in the bread machine, I’m almost out of milk.  (I give it to the end of the day) There are no snacks for the kids to bring to school.  The food pantry is only open once a week, on Thursdays  There’s just not enough that I can take that my kids will eat.  There’s a lot of processed foods. My kids won’t eat it, so I don’t feel right taking it.  Not to mention their health issues, that I can’t in good conscience  feed them that crap.

I’ve applied for fuel assistance – beginning of december. My appointment? Beginning of February. yeah. I’ve still got another 2.5 weeks to wait to find out if we even qualify for assistance.

If not for my father, we’d have a cold house. he’s helped us with our heating needs. I’m so very very thankful for this. We’ve called the local churches. The Baptist church was able to help with a One Time drop of oil. 84 gallons. this added onto what we already had in our tank put us at ‘just under’ half. All my thermostats are set around 65-66. The only exception being the one in my bedroom. (the master suite) That one is set at 60 during the day,  65 at night, and 68 for 3 hrs first thing in the morning, 5-8am.  If you were to come to my house, you would see me all bundled up in my hoodie, scarf, ear warmer headband, and fingerless gloves, and STILL cold. My almost 4yo spends his time under blankets on the couch to stay warm.

Every day I’ve been surfing Craig’s list, and other sites looking for jobs I’m qualified for that are ‘local’ (within 50 miles).  When there are postings, i send my resume out. Many places aren’t hiring until April/May as that’s the beginning of the “season” here. The economy here in Maine is so stagnant i’m terrified i’ll be homeless.

I’ve been working on social media work for Martial Arts for Everyone, also remodeling my webstore in hopes to bring in what could get us through to another month. So far? not looking so great.

I actually cried this morning out of frustration of our situation. Hell, I’m almost in tears right now because I’m feeling so hopeless, thus the point of this post. Just trying to “get it out of my system” wallow in it for the length of time it takes me to put it here then be done with it.

I’m up late working, up early to get the kids to school. the only day i possibly would get to sleep in right now is Saturdays, and by sleep in, I mean 8am.  Sunday’s the huz has Firefighter I classes, so the alarm goes off at 6:30 am. Sunday through Friday, my wake-up call is 6:30am. While i don’t get out of bed at that hour on Sunday, I’m still woken up. Not so easy to get back to sleep kwim?

Anyway, the point of this isn’t to gather self-pity or guilt. I just REALLY needed to get this off my shoulders.. (if only that worked in a physical sense my entire back – neck to hips- is one big mess lol!)

If you read along with my rant and vent of frustration, thank you. You’re awesome, fantastic, and REAL!

Here’s to a great week of positivity!